the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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