Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
