and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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