Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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