I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
