go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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