She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
