whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
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