I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
