How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
