You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
