The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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