I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
