Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
