dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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