paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
50% drunk capacity currently
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
