she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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