I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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