I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
