i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
