dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
