she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
