and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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