I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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