i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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