What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
