I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
