I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
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