Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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