Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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