Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
