i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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