Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
