mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
