Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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