I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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