This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
