I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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