clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
