the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
