While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
