I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
