I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i think my cat just said my name.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
