i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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