There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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