When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I party with great urgency now.
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