i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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