Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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