I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
