i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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