A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
