I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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